Aaaah… How relaxing it is taking the kids to the pool. Ha!
Like families across our great land, we are spending many of our hot summer days relaxing at the pool. (<<Hilarious.)
Remember going to the pool before you had kids? It looked something like this:
1. Put on swim suit.
2. Go to pool.
3. Don’t bother with sunscreen because tan people look skinnier, and you’re too young to worry about leathery wrinkled skin or cancer. That will never happen to you!
4. Enjoy fruity wine and leisurely magazine reading with girlfriends throughout relaxing afternoon.
Hmm… Things have changed (slightly) now that you are a parent. First of all, it is a flipping Olympic event to prepare for a pool visit. In fact, there is a mathematical equation to break down just how long this process will take. Multiply the number of kids you have x 20 minutes. Add 20 extra minutes for each child under 2. Add 15 extra minutes for a child who is potty-training. That is how long it will take you to prepare for a 90-minute pool visit.
1 hour and 35 minutes later, kids are sunscreened and in suits, 2 of the 3 are in swim diapers, extra swim diapers are packed, older kids used bathroom before leaving, snacks are packed, drinks are packed, water wings are packed, hats and sunglasses are packed, towels are packed, and Mommy is in her suit and obligatory “mom-pool-dress” over her suit. She, of course, forgot to put sunscreen on herself (but WTF ever) and… “Let’s go, kids!”
The only part of you that “tans” is your back and top of your head, which are really just burned. (You forgot sunscreen, remember). This is due to you spending the ENTIRE 90 minutes bent over a kid, making sure she doesn’t die, is hydrated, isn’t drinking excessive chlorine, and isn’t pooping through the swim diaper (which in no way holds in any child’s poop in any pool, ever).
After an hour or two, you are forced to make a difficult decision.
1. Do you change here in the slippery and slimy bathroom?
2. Or do you say screw it and let ’em change naked by the side of the pool and throw all wet clothes on your already disgusting mini-van floor?
3. Or do you change at home, thus putting soaking wet, shivering kids in their car seats?
You opt for #3 because you foolishly think it is the easiest choice. You try to lay down towels under your sopping wet kids first, but they keep falling down and bunching up under their butts. Therefore, your kids whine excessively because sitting on a bunched up towel in a wet bathing suit for the 9-minute drive home is complete torture and they’ve never experienced something so horrifically uncomfortable, nor will they ever again.
As soon as everyone is dry and changed, they are plopped in front of a movie. Mommy pours herself a glass of wine and drinks it by herself in her kitchen.
See, not too much different from before you had kids, right?