Do you ever become frustrated with your cell phone, or traffic, or running out of coffee creamer and then feel bad about yourself for fretting over ridiculous First World problems? I have too. But there are also real, legitimate reasons to burst into tears, throw your computer across the room, or drink away your misery (or all of the above). Listed below are some actual First World problems that I must overcome on a regular basis. How do I do it? With tenacity and incredible strength.
1. Autocorrect. It is bad enough that I kept hitting green lights the other day, which severely inhibited my texting abilities. But on top of that, stupid autocorrect about made me lose my damn mind. THREE TIMES my phone changed “ridiculously” to “rusty oil can.” WTF? Apple. Stop making our lives miserable.
2. Slippery pants and slippery computers. After I finally get my kids to sleep, I power up the laptop, ready for some hardcore blogging time. And the damn thing continuously slips down my legs. What am I supposed to do, NOT put up the reclining foot rest?! Like a cave person? Damn you, Old Navy satin sheen.
3. Kids movie DVDs. More often than not, Mommy is needing a break something fierce when a movie gets tossed in. The 87 previews to skip through are painful enough, but just as I finally walk away and think I am free, the kids call me back. I am not done. I have to choose between wide and full screen. WHY Disney? Why must it take 13 minutes to start a damn movie? You’re killing us. We don’t deserve this pain.
4. Stores that do not carry Cheddar Jack Cheezits. This is a thing, in real life, not a horror movie. Walmart and Target have BOTH stopped carrying Cheddar Jack Cheezits. If I am attempting to purchase nourishment for my hungry family at either of these establishments, we (actually I because I barely share them with the others) are subjected to regular Cheezits. There is nothing worse, I tell you. Nothing.
5. Having to reset ALL the clocks after losing power. Just when I think I’ve done them all: the microwave, the stove, my bedroom, my child’s bedroom… Just when I think I can breathe and sit down and relax after all of the button clicking, it dawns on me that I set that last one for a.m. and not p.m. ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? I say, as I drag myself back upstairs to fix the correct time.
6. When no one else eats the crappy chips, so I have to. The worst part of having a husband who travels is that my plain-Dorito eater is gone. Usually I fish out all the good ones (similar to my strategy with finding all the cookie dough in the ice cream) and leave the plain. Once the bag is empty, we purchase another. Without him here, I am left with either tossing a 1/3 of a bag of chips, trying to pawn them off on the kids, or eating them myself at 11 p.m. It makes me die a little inside every time.
What have I done to deserve such unbearable challenges? I honestly don’t know. But that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? And stronger I am, for surviving and overcoming these obstacles. I feel that nothing can stand in my way now. First-world problems, you won’t knock me down! And if you do, I will get back up in my pink slippery pajama pants and keep on going.
i thought this would be about pollution but no its about bags of chips and autocorrect.
Correct. It’s humor.