The 21st Century SAHM

November is the worst month of the year. It is the month that brings the realization of what’s in store for us, oh sufferers of dry skin, for the next… well, eternity (really four months). That is not to say that we scaly-skinned sisters do not suffer in the summers months, because we do. But there is some reprieve. Then, our dry skin may only bother us periodically throughout the day, as opposed to 24 hours a day, particularly at 3 a.m., as it does throughout January. In the summer, 25% of our budget is not devoted to soothing our suffering with products that don’t work anyway. In July, it’s more like 10%.

So although we love the holiday season, with the tree trimming, and Christmas carols, and excessive eating of pie, we also have to take a deep breath and walk into the winter months with our game faces on. It ain’t gonna be pretty.

But we’ll itch and scratch our way through it, despite suffering this list of 7 things only people with dry skin understand.

1. There is no product out there that truly helps. Oh, you have an amazing organic Tunisian salve made from papaya root and cat tears? Yeah, we’ve tried it. Didn’t work.

2. We break out more in the winter — from our skin being SO DRY. Yep, these pimples on my face? They are from dry skin. I know, it’s weird. It took me… oh, about 31 years to learn that the MORE I scrubbed my face leather in the winter, the MORE I broke out.

3. Therefore, the less we wash our faces, the better our skin looks. (Gross, I know.) You know how not washing your hair is all the rage these days? Well, I don’t wash my face more than once a day, if that. Because my skin cannot handle it. Even if I use your papaya-cat-tear shit. Seriously.

4. The five seconds between the end of the shower and lotion application are the longest five seconds of the day. We stand there, not wanting to turn the water 0ff, like you do. Only you are worried about being cold. We are dreading the immediate itchiness as our skin burns, screaming for moisture that we have just sucked out of it by cleaning it.

5. By the end of October, our hands are cracked and our knuckles are bleeding. It makes for a rocking Halloween costume: freaky bloody hand lady.

6. We douse our hands in something—vasoline, lotion, oil, whatever we haven’t tried yet that week—and wear special gloves to bed in the winter in the hopes of soothing our dry skin overnight. It’s HOT.

7. Speaking of sexiness, our skin condition affects frisky time. We may have to stop and scratch an itch before continuing. Nothing says “Come here, baby” like “Let me take off these granny gloves first” or “Hold on, I need to put coconut oil on my face.” Sometimes my husband doesn’t know whether to kiss me or scramble up some eggs. It’s awkward and confusing.

So happy holidays everyone! And fellow dry-skin sufferers, I join you as we embark upon the winter of our discontent. And PSA: Don’t forget to apply that new ginger root whale blubber cream after wrapping presents. I heard that one’s a bit slimy.