The 21st Century SAHM

I have a confession, something that no 2016 suburban SAHM should be admitting, out loud anyway. Here goes: I don’t shop at Whole Foods. (Gasp!) And my reasoning behind it isn’t really a good one. The truth is, the nearest Whole Foods is an extra 15 minute drive farther than the closest grocery store to my house. So mostly it’s just laziness that’s keeping me from the holy organic grail that is Whole Foods.

But honestly, if I did drag my three cranky kids those extra few miles to this all-natural Jessica Alba love sanctuary, I don’t think they’d let me in. Because the thing is, our household is stuck halfway between overachieving and pulling up the caboose on the mediocrity train. For example …

1. We drink organic milk, but it’s cow’s milk. Ugh, right? Milk from another animal?! Sickos we are.

2. I make my own homemade mac and cheese, but I use pre-packaged shredded cheese. Is it any better than the powdered-gonna-kill-my-whole-family-with-chemicals stuff in the box? I honestly don’t know.

3. We don’t feed our kids fast food more than once or twice a year, but we let them have cheap-ass no-name freezer pops and Star Wars fruit snacks.

4. I only buy organic fruits and vegetables if they are on sale, but we do eat some form of fruits and vegetables every day. (Wine counts as mine. Shut up, it does.)

5. We don’t drink soda, but we can put away a family-sized bag of Cheetos faster than you can say yellow dye #6.

6. I don’t own muslin-colored reusable canvas grocery bags. I let the cashiers put my groceries into old-school plastic bags, which I recycle (see what I did there?) for wrapping up stinky toddler man-poops. I’m pretty sure my kid’s rank shit causes more air pollution than land pollution anyway. (I know, San Fransisco. I know. I’m not welcome there either.)

7. I don’t use cloth diapers to contain said toddler man-poops. (I also didn’t use cloth diapers for baby poops. Or any other poops. Ever. I love my washing machine way too much to subject it to that.)

8. I use baby wipes and paper towels in embarrassing excess, but I recycle like a badass. Every single beer and wine bottle is dutifully placed into the always-overflowing glass recycling bin. We do our part for Mother Earth. (Other than the points made in #6. Or #5.)

I know I can do better, but honestly, it’s f-ing hard to keep up! For example, butter was good. Then bad. Now good again. Soy milk was the rage for 18 seconds before being knocked off of its pedestal by almond milk, and now coconut milk. Come on, world! Give us half-assed moms an extra minute! I’m doing my best (sort of) and I do take comfort in knowing that at least my kids aren’t growing up in a haze of tobacco smoke and aerosol spray like I did. So that’s good, right?

© (2015 on Scary Mommy) by Karen Johnson, as first published on Scary Mommy