Dear Fellow Americans,
Today is a day of greatness. Our country is officially in the hands of the most intelligent, well-spoken, and humble leader we’ve ever elected. Thank goodness we didn’t even have to elect him into office, for he simply bought all of America’s votes. Yes, my friends, our new president, our new warrior who will no doubt continue the fight for racial and gender equality, has taken office. Mr. Donald Trump won the Presidential election and has become the leader of the free world.
How did he do it? How did he overcome the very few naysayers who doubted his prowess, his ability to run this nation with honor and integrity? Here’s how.
1. Our new Mexican-loving president outfitted all Mexicans trying to cross the border with a stash of 50 gold bars each and 5-bathroom chateaus. In Mexico. To keep them there. The last thing Mr. Trump desires for our southern neighbors is a harsh and treacherous journey through the immigration process. “These kind people deserve joy in their lives. So I’ve given them that,” President Trump stated to his BFF Bill O’Reilly just last night.
2. Our generous leader loves nursing mothers almost as much as he loves Mexicans. Therefore, he has provided (and funded out of his own meager pocket) all nursing mothers with a brand-new elective surgery that allows them to express milk discreetly and slowly into tiny bags attached to their bras. This way they will never have to step away from work to pump breast milk, nor will they have to use the words “breast pump” in front of our dear fearless leader, who knows how much others can easily be offended by these words. And one of his main priorities is to keep peace and harmony among the masses. He has admitted, however, that “there is a bit of a waiting list for the surgery. All of my serfs hard working domestic workers throughout my humble homes around the world are receiving the surgery first. They are so dedicated to scrubbing my bathrooms and styling my hair that they are often devastated at the thought of shirking responsibilities in order to express breastmilk. Once the 697 nursing women who serve my needs are outfitted with their milk bags, the rest of you are next. You have my word. And my word is worth 800 billion dollars.”
3. The new Leader of the Free World also purchased all major television networks. ABC, NBC, CBS, FoxNews (well he already owned that one), MTV, Sprout TV… And of course Univision. All have been justifiably renamed. NBC = NYMB (the abbreviation for Now You’re My Bitches). MTV = MyTVBecauseIownit. And Univision is now called TCBNC (which aptly stands for Try to Cross the Border Now, Criminals). With Mr. Trump in rightful control of all of television, he was able to regulate his support prior to the election and thusly ensured that we all, as Americans, saw the truth: that Donald Trump was the single best person man (like a woman would ever hold office) to do the job.
4. Mr. Trump is brilliant (in fact, he’s smarter than any other human to ever walk the earth). So he knew that buying TV wasn’t going to get the job done. Once TV was conquered, our new president set out to own the internet. All websites are now owned and controlled by the Trump kingdom. Dot com is no longer. All web addresses for the indefinite future will be listed as .trump.
5. President Trump was slightly (only slightly) concerned about the woman vote. Therefore, he gifted every woman who voted for him a 5-carat diamond ring upon exciting the polls. Because all women are extremely shallow and can be bought.
6. Also, the D-Train was concerned with his gal-pal Hillary. He didn’t want her to suffer in the face of defeat (as he knew he’d undoubtedly buy win our love and support). As stated in #4, women are all shallow beings who can be bought with shiny glittery things. Even Hillary. She can pull that feminist crap all she wants. She still has a vagina. So smart-thinking Mr. Trump simply bought her another country to run. Hillary Clinton is now the proud leader of Femanasia, a small nation on the other side of the world where she can laud her crazy feminist views and get the hell out of our fair leader’s way.
7. President Trump knew the value of image, when attempting to gain the presidency. Therefore, he adopted Kim Jung Un’s strategy of demanding all men copy his hairdo. Now the entire nation appreciates how amazing Mr. Trump’s style is, especially when the wind blows it completely to one side and exposes soft, pale scalp skin. Wives cannot stop running their fingers through the orangey-blonde tufts growing atop of their husband’s heads. The only downfall is that women now cannot get enough sex with their Trump lookalike husbands, which is leading to a higher rate of pregnancy. And you know what comes out after babies? Milk. Out of boobs. Good thing women can have their milk bags installed and return to seducing their sandy-haired spouses.
All it took was 7 easy steps and 100 trillion dollars. And now we move forward as the UST. (United States of Trump), a beautifully diverse nation of varying shades of orange.
This post was originally published on Mock Mom.