The 21st Century SAHM

The rough life of the 3-year-old. He gets blamed for everything, which isn’t really fair. He is 3 and not truly responsible for, well, anything. Yet somehow, 90% of the time, he is the determining factor of whether something is a success or total failure.

Therefore, I believe I can respond to almost every question with “I have a 3-year-old.” I am not blaming him, but merely explaining that, well, he’s the reason for almost everything. Which is somehow different than blame. I don’t know quite how yet.

For example…

1. Why are you late?

I have a 3-year-old.

2. Why is this wet?

I have a 3-year-old.

3. Why are you crying?

I have a 3-year-old.

4. Why is he crying?

He’s a 3-year-old.

5. Why is this broken?

I have a 3-year-old.

6. Why does it look like it was put back together with tape, glitter glue, and Q-tips?

Oh, yeah. I have a 3-year-old.

7. Why can’t you come over?

I have a 3-year-old.

8. How many glasses of wine have you had?

Shut up. I have a 3-year-old.

9. What was that noise?

The 3-year-old.

10. Why do you look like you’ve been run over by a truck hauling angry chickens?

I have a 3-year-old.

11. Why is the toilet clogged?

Sigh. I have a 3-year-old.

12…with a plastic Ninja Turtle?

That was probably the 3-year-old.

13. Why is there butter on the stairs?

I have a 3-year-old.

14. How are we out of bubble liquid? We just bought some yesterday.

Because we have a 3-year-old.

15. Do you want to meet the baby?

Probably not a good idea. I have a 3-year-old.

16. What is on the wall right there?

Boogers. I have a 3-year-old.

17. Where are all the marker caps?

Um, I have a 3-year-old.

18. What’s that smell?

My 3-year-old.

19. Why aren’t you having any more kids?

Have you met my 3-year-old?

20. Who makes you laugh and smile all day long? 

My 3-year-old.