This is for all the moms in their 40s who put their careers on hold to do the SAHM thing because you knew you couldn’t do both—career you loved and motherhood—and do both WELL, so you picked, saying to yourself “this is just for now and we’ll see.”
But now it’s 15 years later and so much has changed in your career field that you know you can’t go back. So really, when you “took a break” all those years ago, you gave it up.
And yes, you know you’re supposed to be grateful — you got years upon years with your kids and so many moms would have given anything to have had that choice. You know you were lucky. You ARE lucky. And you’re (probably) glad you did it the way you did.
Or maybe you didn’t have a choice because childcare was too expensive to justify working or maybe your child has special needs that required you to stay home. Whatever your path or reason, here you are, and here you’ve been for a long time.
The default parent conundrum
Because now the kids are in school full time and you have hours to think about… what’s next? What does the rest of your life look like? Will you ever have a career? What on earth would a “career” be for you right now? You’re the default parent — you’ve been the default parent since the beginning. So if anyone gets sick or needs to go to the orthodontist or there’s a snow day or a half day or parent-teacher conferences is in the middle of the day…. that’s on you. It will always be on you.
And all the after school stuff that starts at like 3:00? That’s your job too—the school pick up and practices and taking this one here and picking that one up from there… yep, all you.
Okay, so you’re looking for a “career” with part-time hours and a 100% flexible schedule because you’re still Mom-on-duty but you do have *just* enough hours during the day to reflect on the fact that you *do* have a college degree (maybe even 2) and although being a mom is the greatest and most important job in the world, you *might* actually want something more to your life than folding laundry and running hangry children to 900 events and remembering that they’re all due for dental cleanings.
Also, perimenopause has entered the chat
Oh, and for funsies, while you’re trying to figure out who and what you are at this transitional, prone-to-crisis period in your life, your body is doing whatever the hell our bodies do in our 40s. Nothing fits anymore. You’re always sweating or freezing. And the grays! So many grays. But it’s okay because body positivity! And self-worth! And self-care! You tell yourself these words and phrases but what does that all mean?
So you look at yourself in the mirror and sometimes don’t even know who it is looking back at you. What are you going to be when they’re all grown up? Who will you be?
But for now, you cram yourself into the only pair of jeans you have right now that fit and find a t-shirt on the floor that isn’t clean but isn’t dirty and will pass for the 4 hours of mom-taxiing you’re about to do and you tell yourself, “I’ll figure it out another day. Right now, I gotta get the kids to practice.”
You throw your hair into a topknot (do moms still wear topknots? Whatever. This mom does.) And off you go.
We’re in this together
This is for all the moms who identify with this story. I know there are a lot of you because you’re my neighbors, my sisters, my friends, my colleagues, the moms at school pickup, the moms at church, the moms I see walking their dog at noon, just like me, listening to a podcast, trying to find a sense of purpose and a sense of identity again, after years of being snack-getter and diaper-changer.
I see you. I am you. You’re not alone.