And Then There Were 8: How a Missing Penguin Symbolizes My Disorganized Life

The 21st Century SAHM

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January 25, 2016

Sure, we can borrow a bag with 9 tiny penguins in it, I said. And we won't lose any, I said. Because that's a good idea for my household. Ever.

Fools, we are. Well, at least I am. (The kids are oblivious optimists.)

My daughter’s adorably creative preschool teachers create “activity bags” for kids and parents to check out and take home. Each bag is structured around a central theme, and within it are various activities that touch upon different types of intelligences. There might be a bag based on dinosaurs, which will include books, a craft idea, dinosaur toys, and a game. Or a bag about frogs, complete with a stuffed frog, a wooden frog, and multiple books, both fiction and non-fiction teaching kids about frog life.

Well recently my crazy kids asked to check out an activity bag. Their choice? Penguins.

Sure, I said. Sounds like a great idea. So I signed my name—my whole name, in ink—on the sign up sheet.

And for the next week, the “Penguins” bag was ours.

Contents of “Penguins” bag: 4 books, one penguin puppet, and one penguin game, which included dice and 9 penguin figurines. NINE small penguins—all black and white, all about 2 inches tall. In my house. That don’t belong to us.

A fool I am. Continue Reading

From Delirium to What the Eff Did I Do? (The First 5 Stages of Motherhood)

The 21st Century SAHM

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January 18, 2016

From Stage 1 (Happy and exhausted) to Stage 5 (Oh shit, we made another one) and all the stages in between, this is motherhood.Motherhood is a roller coaster. It’s incredibly difficult, then easier, then terrifying, then manageable, then gut-wrenching… all at the beginning. Here are the first 5 stages you’ll experience when you birth forth another human into this world.

Stage 1: Delirium. You are excited, overwhelmed, confused, and so very tired. Not just from lack of sleep but also from the intense fear that has seeped into your bones, that weighs you down every second you are awake and also haunts your dreams. The fear that you may break it (the baby) or lose it (yourself). And the realization that despite thinking you were prepared, that there is no preparedness for bringing home that first baby. You don’t know what you are doing—no one does. Why is he still crying? You don’t know. Your husband doesn’t know. Grandma doesn’t know. The doctors don’t know. No one can help you at 3 a.m. And having to accept that terrifying reality and live with it is just. so. exhausting.

Well, I have good news and bad news about Stage 1. The good news is that it doesn’t last long, and that you’ll never be here again. The bad news is that it doesn’t last long. And that you’ll never be here again. Because for all of the 3 a.m. walks around the house trying the shushing and patting and feeding and looking at your husband with desperate pleading eyes for some other idea, some other never-thought-of-before-but-surely-will-work solution, for all of those long days of loneliness and isolation and when did I last shower?… The truth is, there is no joy, no greater moment of truth in your life, than bringing home your first baby. You’ll never be here again, as Stage 1 doesn’t exist with #2 or #3 (or more than that, if you are a lunatic and keep going). Because when you bring home #2, the toddler is there too. Or the preschooler. And it’s better and easier and harder and even more tiring. But it’s not Stage 1. Continue Reading

Dear Kids: What Will You Remember About Your Mom?

The 21st Century SAHM

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January 11, 2016

There are things I know my kids will remember about me, when they are grown, like that I made them eat vegetables and go to bed. But I also hope they remember me laughing, and remember me being happy, and that they know how hard I tried.

Someone asked me once what I want my kids to remember, when they are grown, about the kind of mother they had. I have thought about this many times, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are things I know they’ll remember, things I hope they’ll remember, and things I fear they’ll say about me. That last category is terrifying.

Here goes:

Dear Kids,

When your baby cheeks have thinned and your excitement for 6 a.m. has waned and you’re a boring old grownup who pays bills and growls about taxes, what will you say when people ask you about your mother? What was she like? First, here are things I am sure you’ll recall.

  1. You’ll remember that your mom almost always wore a ponytail and hardly ever wore makeup.
  2. You’ll recall that she, far more than Daddy, made you eat fruit and vegetables and go to bed at a real “bedtime.”
  3. You’ll say your mom was a writer. (You better, anyway.)
  4. You’ll say that your mom drove you to school, and to practice, and to games, and to the library, and to your friends’ houses…
  5. And your mom always picked you up.
  6. Unfortunately, you’ll also recall that your mother lost her patience. And she yelled. And once in a while cried on a really bad day.

But here are some things I truly hope you remember about me as well: Continue Reading

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