The 21st Century SAHM

7 Things Only People With Dry Skin Understand

November 27, 2015

Don't bother peddling your new whale blubber agave nectar cream over here. TRIED IT. We've tried it all. And we still suffer, especially between November and March.

November is the worst month of the year. It is the month that brings the realization of what’s in store for us, oh sufferers of dry skin, for the next… well, eternity (really four months). That is not to say that we scaly-skinned sisters do not suffer in the summers months, because we do. But there is some reprieve. Then, our dry skin may only bother us periodically throughout the day, as opposed to 24 hours a day, particularly at 3 a.m., as it does throughout January. In the summer, 25% of our budget is not devoted to soothing our suffering with products that don’t work anyway. In July, it’s more like 10%.

So although we love the holiday season, with the tree trimming, and Christmas carols, and excessive eating of pie, we also have to take a deep breath and walk into the winter months with our game faces on. It ain’t gonna be pretty.

But we’ll itch and scratch our way through it, despite suffering this list of 7 things only people with dry skin understand.

1. There is no product out there that truly helps. Oh, you have an amazing organic Tunisian salve made from papaya root and cat tears? Yeah, we’ve tried it. Didn’t work. Continue Reading

A Letter To My Daughter, A Future Mother: Things I Hope No One Tells You

The 21st Century SAHM

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November 20, 2015

There are so many things people will tell my daughter about motherhood. But these are things I hope no one tells her.

At 4 years old, she has her father’s adventurous spirit, courage, and sense of independence. She started diving under water at 2 and knows all of the Star Wars characters. She once ate an entire raw onion slice off of my hamburger and told us it was “yummy.” She will tackle any roller coaster without hesitation and refuses to let me kiss her boo-boos. But for all the parts of her that she inherited from Daddy, she is just like Mommy too. She has no less than 5 “babies” emerge from her tummy per day. They are often dragons or frogs or turtles or cats. She names them, feeds them, puts them to bed, and cares for them when they are sick. Like I was at 4, she is a little mommy.

And 20-something years from now, when she is ready to truly fulfill her role as a mother, other mothers will probably tell her many things. They may warn her of how painful labor will be. They may tell her that she will never sleep again and that she’ll bid farewell to her pre-baby body and free time. They may tell her that her marriage will change forever and that she will not enjoy sushi happy hour for years to come.

But sweet girl of mine, there are so many things that I hope nobody tells you about motherhood.

I hope nobody tells you that you will feel like a failure, because, you will. You might feel it more than you feel success. Continue Reading

Tiny-tittied Tammys: The difficult life of the small-boobed

The 21st Century SAHM

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November 5, 2015

Hey Big Boobed Berthas, life isn't so rosy for us AA-Alices over here either.

She actually makes the gaping hole look pretty good.

Okay, you big-breasted Berthas, you are right — looks like you do have it rough, with your fruitless quests for over-the-shoulder boulder holders and creepy stares from men (and women) at your below-the-neck region. But what about those of us on the other end of the spectrum? Yeah, us women over here who could pass for Bobby Brady on Halloween without really trying? It’s not too fun over here, either. I promise. The world expects women to have breasts. Clothes are shaped to curve around them. Men’s hands are shaped in a cup-like curvature by nature, in the hopes of grasping one at any time. Victoria has made no secret of her multi-billion dollar empire, based almost entirely covering (and not covering), supporting, and showing off the female bosom and all its glory. Therefore, those of us less-endowed females often find ourselves left out to dry with you, Double-D Debbie, as we AA-Alices, too, have our share of pain.

Did it start in 7th grade for you, too? Continue Reading