The 21st Century SAHM

How Donald Trump won the Presidential Election

August 27, 2015

Dear Fellow Americans,

Today is a day of greatness. Our country is officially in the hands of the most intelligent, well-spoken, and humble leader we’ve ever elected. Thank goodness we didn’t even have to elect him into office, for he simply bought all of America’s votes. Yes, my friends, our new president, our new warrior who will no doubt continue the fight for racial and gender equality, has taken office. Mr. Donald Trump won the Presidential election and has become the leader of the free world.

How did he do it? How did he overcome the very few naysayers who doubted his prowess, his ability to run this nation with honor and integrity? Here’s how.

1. Our new Mexican-loving president outfitted all Mexicans trying to cross the border with a stash of 50 gold bars each and 5-bathroom chateaus. In Mexico. To keep them there. The last thing Mr. Trump desires for our southern neighbors is a harsh and treacherous journey through the immigration process. “These kind people deserve joy in their lives. So I’ve given them that,” President Trump stated to his BFF Bill O’Reilly just last night.

2. Our generous leader loves nursing mothers almost as much as he loves Mexicans. Therefore, he has provided (and funded out of his own meager pocket) all nursing mothers with a brand-new elective surgery that allows them to express milk discreetly and slowly into tiny bags attached to their bras. This way they will never have to step away from work to pump breast milk, nor will they have to use the words “breast pump” in front of our dear fearless leader, who knows how much others can easily be offended by these words. And one of his main priorities is to keep peace and harmony among the masses. He has admitted, however, that “there is a bit of a waiting list for the surgery. All of my ~~serfs~~ hard working domestic workers throughout my humble homes around the world are receiving the surgery first. They are so dedicated to scrubbing my bathrooms and styling my hair that they are often devastated at the thought of shirking responsibilities in order to express breastmilk. Once the 697 nursing women who serve my needs are outfitted with their milk bags, the rest of you are next. You have my word. And my word is worth 800 billion dollars.”

3. The new Leader of the Free World also purchased all major television networks. ABC, NBC, CBS, FoxNews (well he already owned that one), MTV, Sprout TV… And of course Univision. All have been justifiably renamed. NBC = NYMB (the abbreviation for Now You’re My Bitches). MTV = MyTVBecauseIownit. And Univision is now called TCBNC (which aptly stands for Try to Cross the Border Now, Criminals). With Mr. Trump in rightful control of all of television, he was able to regulate his support prior to the election and thusly ensured that we all, as Americans, saw the truth: that Donald Trump was the single best ~~person~~ man (like a woman would ever hold office) to do the job.

4. Mr. Trump is brilliant (in fact, he’s smarter than any other human to ever walk the earth). So he knew that buying TV wasn’t going to get the job done. Once TV was conquered, our new president set out to own the internet. All websites are now owned and controlled by the Trump kingdom. Dot com is no longer. All web addresses for the indefinite future will be listed as .trump.

5. President Trump was slightly (only slightly) concerned about the woman vote. Therefore, he gifted every woman who voted for him a 5-carat diamond ring upon exciting the polls. Because all women are extremely shallow and can be bought.

6. Also, the D-Train was concerned with his gal-pal Hillary. He didn’t want her to suffer in the face of defeat (as he knew he’d undoubtedly ~~buy~~ win our love and support). As stated in #4, women are all shallow beings who can be bought with shiny glittery things. Even Hillary. She can pull that feminist crap all she wants. She still has a vagina. So smart-thinking Mr. Trump simply bought her another country to run. Hillary Clinton is now the proud leader of Femanasia, a small nation on the other side of the world where she can laud her crazy feminist views and get the hell out of our fair leader’s way.

7. President Trump knew the value of image, when attempting to gain the presidency. Therefore, he adopted Kim Jung Un’s strategy of demanding all men copy his hairdo. Now the entire nation appreciates how amazing Mr. Trump’s style is, especially when the wind blows it completely to one side and exposes soft, pale scalp skin. Wives cannot stop running their fingers through the orangey-blonde tufts growing atop of their husband’s heads. The only downfall is that women now cannot get enough sex with their Trump lookalike husbands, which is leading to a higher rate of pregnancy. And you know what comes out after babies? Milk. Out of boobs. Good thing women can have their milk bags installed and return to seducing their sandy-haired spouses.

All it took was 7 easy steps and 100 trillion dollars. And now we move forward as the UST. (United States of Trump), a beautifully diverse nation of varying shades of orange.

This post was originally published on Mock Mom.

9 Rules of Traveling With a 4-Year Old Girl

The 21st Century SAHM

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August 25, 2015

Traveling with kids is always an adventure, and a girls' getaway with a 4-year old is no different.

That’s “cat”, by the way, hitching a ride atop the suitcase.

My 4-year old daughter and I took a “girls’ trip” this summer. Just the two of us (neither of her brothers and no Daddy). She felt very big-time. We flew to Texas to visit more girls — my sister and her two daughters. Lots of crafts and dress up and girliness was to be had. And it was. However, if you feel inclined to travel, particularly via airplane, with a 4-year old little girl, I feel that I must warn you of how it will go. Here are the 9 rules of traveling with a 4-year old girl.

You will allow her to pack her own suitcase, as this is a big-girl trip. She will fill it with 17 stuffed animals and all of her favorite dresses. She will not see the need for more than one pair of underwear.
Your child will walk at a -10 mph pace through the airport. You will try to move her to the side so that normal-paced walking people may pass. However, she will move in a continual S formation, thus taking up an entire 50-f00t section, so that no one is able to pass her.
She will insist on holding her favorite stuffed cat throughout the day of travel. (The rest of her friends, she will acquiesce, may stay packed away in the suitcase). However, going through security will cause some distress, as cat must be scanned for… whatever incendiary or dangerous device stuffed cats are scanned for at airports these days. Your child will not feel comfortable separating from cat for 28 seconds and sending her through security, for cat “is scared and won’t like this.” Relief and joy will wash over your child as cat emerges on the other side of the x-ray machine, unscathed.
Your 4-year old will also move at a painfully slow pace in public airport restrooms. She will tell you a very elaborate tale of her stuffed bunny and his stuffed bunny mommy and stuffed bunny daddy, who are at home, waiting for her. (They didn’t make the cut into the suitcase.) They miss her and she misses them, and this will be discussed in depth whilst perched atop a public toilet. She will continue lamenting her neglect of the bunny family while washing her hands and drying them, making anyone else who needs to use the sink (and subsequently, the toilet) become fully schooled on the state of the bunnies before leaving the restroom themselves.
She will reeeeeeeally want to hold her own boarding pass because she is “such a big girl!” You take a deep breath and hand it to her 30 seconds before boarding, asking every 2 seconds if she has it.
Your child will stand awkwardly close to strangers, periodically bumping into them, in the check-in and security lines, having no concern for other people’s personal space.
She will ensure that everyone around her knows that she has to poop.
Your daughter will be ridiculously adorable, and therefore, she can get away with all of the above. (She will stare creepily at anyone who does not verbally acknowledge her cuteness.)
She will remind you of what you often miss in your busy days at home with her brothers: how funny and unique and pretty freaking amazing she is.

The F-Word: A Look at Feminism, Complacency, and the Possibility of Bill as “The First Gentleman”

The 21st Century SAHM

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August 24, 2015

The F-Word: A look at feminism, complacency, and the possibility of Bill as First Gentleman

Ack! Look at the feminist! She is so scary!

I’ve dropped the f-word a time or two in my writing, and I’ve been told I might offend some readers, turn them off. For this reason, I’ve decided to delve in to the controversy of the f-word (FEMINISM) and at the very least, clarify the kind of feminism I believe in.

To those who are annoyed by women fighting for equal rights, I say this: I am annoyed by you.

My great-grandmother (and probably your great-grandmother) was born during a time when women were not able to vote. We are only a few generations removed from women’s suffrage. My grandmother and mother (and probably yours as well) joined the workforce during a time when women were not granted equal pay for equal work. Women of my own generation (myself included) are forced to take unpaid maternity leave. Throughout the world, it is still completely legal to sexually, physically, and mentally abuse women. It is still common in many countries for girls to be forced into marriage and motherhood immediately upon reaching puberty as well as suffer forced genital mutilation to ensure they do not enjoy sexual intercourse.

Now you are really annoyed, aren’t you? (If you are even still reading, that is.)

Okay, I get it. You think this fight is old, done, tired (at least in your modernized view of the United States). Women got their vote. They represent 50% of university students. There are women CEOs, Supreme Court justices, and maybe soon, a woman in the presidential office. So shut up, you say. Let it go. Stop talking about it. Stop with the f-word already.

To this I say, are you recommending complacency? Is that the best we can do for our daughters? Shall we say to them, “Good for you that your great-great-grandmothers and their daughters and granddaughters fought for you. So now you can roll over and enjoy your opportunities and stop fighting”? Is that what we expect of our sons?

Or do we want all of our children to continue the work for equality, to ensure that our boys and our girls are raised to believe that any of them can run this nation? I respect the work and courage and audacity of women who came before me far too much to submit to complacency and laziness. And therefore, I identify with feminism, I support feminism, and I write about feminism. And yeah, I want my daughter to receive some damn paid maternity leave!

To that end, I also feel compelled to define what I, personally, believe feminism to be. I believe in equal opportunities, equal treatment, and also equal expectations for men and women. There are those who believe feminism to be another form of sexism. In some ways, I agree. I agree that putting a woman into a higher position, solely to fill a quota, to check a box on a diversity checklist, if she is unqualified for said position, is sexist. I also believe this hurts all women and lowers the level of respect society holds for us. That is not the form of feminism I support.

What I do support is the promotion of qualified women, who have done the work, who have the knowledge and capabilities, and who can do the job.

Should women be allowed to train on the front lines and as firefighters and police officers? Abso-fucking-lutely. But if you can’t drag my 200-lb husband out of a burning building, you shouldn’t be a firefighter, regardless of what body part is between your legs. Should men be kindergarten teachers? Yes. As long as they are kind and nurturing and are willing to wipe a booger now and then. Penises and vaginas are irrelevant.

Are you still there? I hope so. Let’s talk some Hillary.

Is this your biggest fear? Are you afraid that she will get “the women’s vote” just because she is a woman? Well, this may surprise you, but I am a bit worried about that too. Let me be clear: Would I love to see a woman as president? YES. I relish the notion of looking into my daughter’s eyes and saying to her, “Do you see that? A girl can be the president! A girl is the president.”

However.

Do I plan on voting for Hillary Clinton? I honestly do not know. I am not committed to voting for a woman because she is a woman and because I want that moment with my daughter. I am committed to reading, watching, listening, and educating myself as to who I believe the best candidate to be. And then I plan to use my right to vote, a right I am incredibly grateful is bestowed upon me, to voice whom I believe is best suited to run this nation.

Will it be Hillary? Maybe. (I know what you’re thinking. Yeah, right. This chick is so obvious. Like she wouldn’t vote for H.C. Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret: this old liberal voted for Bush at one point because she believed he would do a better job than his opponent.)

So that’s my feminism: just wanting my three kids all grown up, believing in themselves as equals.

Hope you made it to the end. Hope the f-word becomes less scary. And honestly, I really do hope there is a Madam President before I die.

Seriously, calling Bill “The First Gentleman” would be fantastic. Can we at least agree on that?