The 21st Century SAHM

 

As I am raising my 3rd toddler, I can attest to how different these 2-year old creatures can be. I’ve had a bookworm toddler and a destructive one. One of mine was nurturing and soft, while another put his hands over his ears in irritation if a baby cried. I’ve had a picky eater and another who would eat a pile of sticks if he could dip them in BBQ sauce. I’ve had a skinny toddler and a need-special-shoes-because-his-feet-are-so-fat toddler. However, despite all of these differences, there are few toddler tenets that I can assert to be true, as I have now done this 3 times. And once the same thing happens 3 times, it is the law.

So in light of it being Independence Day season (yeah, I’m a bit late, but being “slightly late” actually equals being “on time” when you have a bunch of little kids, right?)…

We hold these truths to be self-evident that the following are Rules of Toddlerhood.

1. They must do their own buckles. And any other buckles on anything in the world. Car seats, strollers, booster chairs, shopping cart belts… Whether they are using them or not, the buckle must be done! You will realize this when you attempt to load them into any device with a buckle and see that obviously the toddler got there first and already put the buckle together. You must then undo the buckle, install toddler into carrying device, and allow him to redo the buckle. This is the most important step! If you plan on keeping your fingers attached to your hands and your eyes inside their eye-sockets, do not under any circumstance attempt to do a toddler’s buckle for him.

2. Light switches must be turned on and off 51 times before a 2-year old is able to move on to another activity. Also, all doors in the entire house (or any building really) must be closed. Don’t open them! (Refer to warning in #1).

3. All toddlers make man-poops, including your adorable Elsa-dress-wearing little girl with ribbons in her hair. You will be shocked at the monstrosities that emerge from these little people. The toilet will get clogged due to its confusion and lack of preparedness as a tiny hiney sat upon it and birthed a bowling ball.

4. Your toddler will bring you things. Whether it be a “snack” made in her kitchen that consists of pencil erasers and seashells, or a bag full of errant puzzle pieces and crayon bits, or all of your shoes that are in the entire house, this game is a time honored treasure enjoyed by toddlers across our great land. And the greatest joy on a 2-year old’s face will be if he finds you in the bathroom. He knows you are committed to one locale for at least a few minutes, and he can now bring you 43 matchbox cars. One by one.

5. They cannot handle the transition to the toddler bed. Once the prison walls come down, your little ex-con does not know what to do with his new-found freedom. He may cry with fear and cower in the corner of his bed, or he may run amok and empty out every drawer of his dresser. This change is both terrifying and exhilarating all at once for both parent and child, and is never met with calm acceptance.

6. If your toddler is quiet, he is either pooping in a corner or coloring on something with permanent marker. It’s one or the other. Every time. Nothing good comes out of a toddler playing quietly in another room. If you hear quiet, you might as well as bring the carpet cleaner with you as you go investigate.

 

There they are, folks. 6 Rules of Toddlerhood that I assert to be true for all. If you do happen to have the easy-going 2-year old who transitioned out of the crib smoothly, don’t brag about it to me, or I might send my marker-wielding kid to your house to clog your toilet.